Friday, July 07, 2006

ALA RLG Resolution #2: Those Pesky Cubans

Boy, those folks over at Freadom just won't go away, will they? So Castro burns a few books and imprisons a few "librarians" and people are on hunger strikes and Latvia and Lithuania are protesting and the ALA might not vote to support the Latvian and Lithuanian IFLA resolution condeming Castro's despicable treatment of these so called librarians. Cry me a river, you counterrevolutionary fascists!

The ALA RLG could not let these provocations go unopposed! The RLG met in New Orleans to discuss the nasty counterrevolutionary propaganda spread by our competitors, and we got all angry and everything! According to the transcript from the FBI wiretap (they keep tabs on us because we're powerful revolutionaries speaking truth to power! or maybe it's speaking power to truth?), the word "fascist" was used approximately 72 times in 20 minutes, which means we were so stunned by all this counterrevolutionary propaganda that we couldn't even sputter "fascist" at our standard rate of 10 times/minute.

Don't those Freadom folk realize that Cuba is a revolutionary island paradise of freedom and the United States is a fascist, capitalist, repressive, nightmare of a country? That's why no one in Cuba or anywhere else in the world wants to emigrate to the US and millions of Americans would emigrate to Cuba if only the US would lift its travel restrictions. In the spirit of revolutionary freedom, the Regressive Librarians Guild is proposing a new resolution regarding Cuban "librarians":

WHEREAS, the Regressive Librarians Guild of the ALA is the greatest defender of revolutionary freedom in the entire universe; and...

WHEREAS, real librarians are people with genuine, ALA-Accredited master's degrees in library science; and...

WHEREAS, there are NO ALA-Accredited LIS programs in Cuba!; and...

WHEREAS, if that's the case, then there can of course be no real librarians in Cuba; and

WHEREAS, if there are no real librarians in Cuba, then Castro cannot be imprisoning librarians and burning their books (Q.E.D.); and...

WHEREAS, Castro would never imprison anyone or burn any books anyway, because he's such a sweetie pie; and...

WHEREAS, Castro is the last holdout for revolutionary freedom in the world (well, except for those nice revolutionaries in North Korea); and...

WHEREAS, Castro looks so cute and quaint in those green army-like clothes; and...

WHEREAS, "freedom" in America just means the freedom to starve; and...

WHEREAS, "freedom" has absolutely nothing to do with the power to express counterrevolutionary propaganda; and...

WHEREAS, because "intellectual freedom" means the freedom to think like us; and...

WHEREAS, those mean old counterrevolutionary fascists with their anti-communist propaganda and their colorful clothes are just mean; and...

WHEREAS, we have been typing WHEREAS so much our Caps Lock button is malfunctioning, so we'll get on with it;

RESOLVED, the ALA Regressive Librarians Guild calls on the American Library Association to send boatloads of lighter fuel to Castro so he could burn more books (not that he would choose to do so); and be it further

RESOLVED, the American Library Association should call for the imprisonment of anyone in Cuba calling themselves a librarian unless they possess a genuine ALA-accredited master's degree; and be it further

RESOLVED, the American Library Association should support a movement to hunt down people with counterrevolutionary books and shoot them in the head; and be it further

RESOLVED, the American Library Association should tell those Latvians and Lithuanians to mind their own business because they're tiny little loser nations that ALSO have no ALA-accredited master's programs (so there!); and be it further

RESOLVED, that the American Library Association should tell IFLA to stick it in their pointy international ear because the American Library Association cares only about AMERICAN librarians, and not even really about them; and be it further

RESOLVED, American librarians who claim to support intellectual freedom should crawl on their knees to Cuba, wait in line, and pucker up to smooch the withered revolutionary bottom of Fidel Castro, because he's the only person in the world who really cares about freedom!

4 comments:

Contrarian Librarian said...

This is hilarious! And now these same people want to "educate" the public about the genocide in Darfur. I wonder what kind of spin they will put on that one. What a joke.

Anonymous said...

You forgot where the ALA resolved that free universal healthcare was a funadmental right and Ole Fuzzy Whiskers is again the only world leader to care about heathcare.

Anonymous said...

Free universal healthcare? Now that's a library issue if there ever was one, along with the genocide in Darfur. I'm so glad the ALA governing council is spending time and energy and money on resolutions such as these.

Anonymous said...

Not my money. Thanks for the belly laugh!