Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Job Ad of the Day

This position description was sent to the AL by reader Soren Faust. I'm thinking of applying for it myself.

Responsibilities: Reporting to the Assistant Dean for Technical and Access Services, the incumbent will be responsible for all aspects related to the acquisition of monographic materials in all formats for The University Park and 19 of The University’s 233 campuses. The department is comprised of 18 FTEs and 31 NQSFTEs (or Not Quite So Full Time Employee) organized into a Trinity of self-directed Work Teams which are to Act as One, yet be Three Distinct Groups responsible for the expenditure of Annual. Bi-annual, and Trans-annual approval plans and a holographic collections budget of over $3.6 million, or something like that. The incumbent will provide strategic, ballistic, and/or malicious leadership and tri-coordinate departmental, divisional, and Libraries-wide planning and activities, including im-personnel management, both corporeal and incorporeal, along with pan-departmental operations and information resources budget management, with the ability to communicate on a micro/macrocosmic level while providing guidance in the use of the technologies yet realized. The Department and/or Godhead will play a key role in the spiritual guidance and continual management of the integrated library management system, SIRSI, otherwise known as SERIOUSLY, as well as instigate an investigation into the new, but unknown means of exchanging acquisitions and ultra-graphic information between libraries and vendors. The University is actively involved in national, international, intra-national, introverted as well as extraordinary initiatives, and requires a department GodHead with a demonstrated understanding of His or Her own Triune-ness along with knowledge of current trends in tripartite schemes and scams. As a member of the Dean's Library Council, the Head of Acquisitions Services participates in Libraries-wide planning, policy-making activities, and library governance and must deny Vinegar nightly. The successful candidate will be expected to be active, proactive, reactive, interactive, let’s active, and protractile in research, scholarship, and service as a faculty member at The University.

Required Qualifications: ALA and SLA (Symbionese Liberation Army) accredited MLS and/or equivocated and perfunctory degree; demonstrated experience as deus ex machina with senior level experience in modern clairvoyance; three to five years experience with Progress-organic responsibility in library technical services as well as humbuggery and miserly budgetary experience; ability to grasp and assimilate new information on a dime; and possess a con-mmitment to diversity and to serving the needs of a diverse population of homogeneous information seekers.

Preferred Qualifications: Excellent planning, anal-retentive, interpersonal as well as ultra-personal transcendence, with oral, written, and digital communication skills; the ability to please-greatly and work with aggressive acquiescence in a team environment; knowledge of daily international currency exchange rates and trends in library acquisitions qua acquisitions and collection development qua collection development; thorough knowledge of these sort of business practices; and experience with the macabre nature of the vendor/publisher environment. Must be able to speak seven languages, Os and 1s included, and be able to demonstrate the ability to walk on water, deep, shallow, or mirage.

Salary will be based on the whimsical nature of The University’s sense of fairness along with our commitment to the national maintenance of an economic division between the poor and the rich – with special attention given to wage minimums allowable by law.


Anonymous said...

Wow, that sounds like every other job description, only, like actually accurate. I especially like the preferred qualifications and the salary statement. I so hate that they weasel out with the so-called minimum salary requirements, which basically means, "we would love to pay you even lower, but we quite can't."

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Stunned by the accuracy of the job description, I omitted to proof my own post. What I meant was: these people are not long for this world since they seem to be telling the truth.

Anonymous said...

Actually, this is a satire of an academic librarian job ad. I wrote it when I was having to read job ads everyday for months at a time. It was a very cathartic experience.

If only all job ads were this honest...


Anonymous said...

This is a good attempt at humor, but it is a little too far-fetched. You could fool people into thinking it's an actual job ad by using the actual language used in job advertisements.

Check out this example of a fake (or not?) library job ad:

Anonymous said...

oops, try this link
Moroni Dunes Library