Dear Annoyed Librarian #12: The Future of Reference

Dear AL,

I am a recent MLS graduate and just took an entry level position at Sunny Beach State Library. While it is great to finally be a professional, I have noticed that most questions asked on desk could be answered by trained staff or students. I mentioned this to a coworker and she was shocked and advised me not to talk about that openly - that as long as the administration still believed they needed highly skilled knowledge workers our jobs were safe. While that might be OK for someone like her set to retire in a few years, what about those of us just starting out? Will there be a need for librarians on the reference desk?

Signed,

Suddenly Cloudy

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Dear Cloudy,

First, congratulations on getting that exciting first job. Second, perhaps you are right to be discouraged.

It's true that most questions at the reference desk could be answered by a trained monkey. Don't get me wrong--it would have to be a very well trained monkey, and not just any old monkey pulled off the street. In my library we in fact have an exceptionally well trained monkey who takes care of our directional questions and also clears printer jams and such. He is also at least as well groomed as most of the professional staff, so the patrons hardly notice.

I would also like to note that your coworker seems particularly devious and cunning. You should definitely befriend her and learn all you can in the years before she retires to the old librarians home. At your age, skills and talent may seem like they will pull you through, but eventually you'll need age and guile after you are completely burned out, which you will be from years of sitting at the reference desk clearing printer jams and telling people where the restrooms are.

So you ask, will there be a need for librarians at the reference desk in the future? I ask, has there ever been a need for reference librarians at the reference desk? If reference librarians are the highly trained professionals many of them claim to be, doesn't it seem a little strange that a good part of their jobs is to just sit at a desk and wait for someone to come? Has that ever been a very effective use of librarian time? How convincing are you as a "highly trained knowledge worker" if a good part of your job is to just sit around on the off chance someone happens to have a question that needs your level of reference ability?

Can you think of any other examples of highly trained and knowledgeable consultants who just sit around waiting for questions? I can't. The only people I can think of who just sit around hoping someone comes up to them to justify their existence are retail clerks. Oh, and those people at the complaints desk in department stores, let's not forget them. Not very "professional," is it?

So sitting around at the reference desk is a big waste of time. But does that mean there isn't a need for reference librarians? I don't think so. Based on the people I help, it seems that as information grows more abundant finding and evaluating it requires more skill, but those skills aren't employed very effectively sitting at a desk just waiting for the occasional difficult question. We just do that out of habit. On the other hand, I could be wrong, and reference librarians may become obsolete. So go out there and create a market for your skills before you find yourself out of a job.

Okay, that's the end of my pep talk for today!

Your,

The Annoyed Librarian

Dear Annoyed Librarian #11: Job Interview Tips

Dear Annoyed Librarian,

You have been an inspiration to me, as you have been to tens of others over the years, which is why I am asking for your help. Thanks to your advice on how to sound like a librarian and your advice on spicing up my resume for maximum competitiveness, and thanks to my willingness to finally leave Wyoming, I now have an interview at a great library. I'm excited! But I'm also a bit nervous, and I was wondering if you had any advice for me about the actual job interview.

Sincerely,

Soon to be Interviewed

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Dear Soon,

Thank you for your kind words of praise. I do indeed have some advice for you about how to act, and just as importantly how not to act, during the job interview. I personally have been interview for 87 library jobs, all of which I have been offered, so I know whereof I speak. Here is some advice to remember for that fateful day.

• Do say how much you admire the wonderful library and glorious institution you're visiting. Frequently comment on how fortunate the librarians must feel to work there. They will appreciate the genuine compliment and definitely not think you're just buttering them up.
• Do comment several times during the day about what an exciting, fast-paced career librarianship is these days. The jaded librarians interviewing you will smile fondly and remember the days when they were naive and happy like you rather than just think you're an idiot.
• Remember, you're interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you. A good question to ask is, which of your colleagues would you never hire again. If they won't respond to that, then just ask which of their colleagues are complete bastards.
• Interviewers like happy, cheerful candidates. The best way to show you are happy and cheerful is occasionally to break out into song. A good Gilbert and Sullivan tune always lightens the mood. My favorite is "I am the Very Model of a Major Modern General" but I haven't taken the time to adapt it for librarians, and "I am the Very Model of a Major Modern Librarian" doesn't scan. Not that anyone cares about that anymore.
  
• If asked why you want to leave your current job, just explain that it had to do with "creative differences."
• If asked why you want to leave your current job, don't say, "Because my boss is evil and my colleagues are all idiots." There's always a danger that the interviewer will conclude that you'd find life no different in the new job and so not hire you.
• When job ads say they want "enthusiastic" candidates, they really mean "young," so be sure to maintain the fresh looks and fake smiles of young people like these.
• Learn something about the library so it'll look like you're really interested. Then make insightful comments like, "Oh, I see you still use LC classification" and "That sure is a clunky home page you've got! What baboon with ADHD designed that?"
• Remember, excitement sells! Speak in a loud, hyperbolic voice at all times. "So how did you like working in X Library?" "IT WAS THE GREATEST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE!!! EVERYTHING SINCE HAS BEEN A COMPLETE DISAPPOINTMENT!!!" "Oh, and what about your next job?" "SAME THING!!!"
• Get to the interview early, to make sure you're prepared. If the interview begins over breakfast at 8am, then starting with coffee at 5am should give you plenty of time to get in the mood.
• However, don't drink a lot of coffee just before the job talk. No matter how clever your mock-BI or your BS projection of the future of whatever, everyone will be unpleasantly distracted by you doing the pee-pee dance.
• Unless of course you're required or are boring enough to do a Powerpoint presentation, in which case you doing the pee-pee dance will be a welcome diversion.
• Expect to have to answer lots of questions about your strengths and weaknesses. It doesn't really matter what you say, just as long as you answer smoothly. "What is your greatest strength?" "I suppose it's seeming like I'm incredibly busy and competent when all I really do is sit reading blogs." "Oh! Then what is your greatest weakness?" "An inability to lie when the occasion calls for it."
• When asked what you thought of your library school classes, do not say you thought they were complete crap, even if they were.
• When asked what kind of car you think you'd be, resist the urge to strangle the idiot who asked the question.
• When asked why you want to be a librarian, do not say it's because you've already failed at everything else. Say it's because you just left the pea farm and you want to be nice and warm. Oh, and it pays the bills. And there are worse jobs. Etc.
  
• Employers always claim they want people to be able to work independently and also as part of a team. Assure them you'll work so independently they may never see you for weeks at a time, and that you'll be happy to work on a team as long as there are no idiots on it.
• You might be asked about what you want to be doing in five years. "Your job!" makes a good answer, because it shows you're ambitious. "Retirement" is a safe long-term objective.
• Perhaps you've had some trouble in the past with a problematic supervisor. This is not the time to tell how you paid some teamsters to teach your supervisor a lesson. That time will come soon enough.
• Don't walk through the staff areas and say, "My God, how can you live like this?"
• And most important, don't start swearing, at least until you've concluded that you'd never, ever be willing to work in this dump.

There, that should be enough to get you through the day. I wouldn't want to overwhelm you. Good luck with your chosen career!

Yours,

The Annoyed Librarian

Dear Annoyed Librarian #10: Faculty Status!

Dear Annoyed Librarian,

I've just accepted a tenure-track job at Dungheap State University and I just wanted to write to tell you how excited I am! I now have faculty status! I'm a real member of the faculty! Faculty status is a huge boost to my self-esteem, because now all the other professors will take me seriously. This means I get to publish stuff, and I also have an important voice in the governance of my university. Also, once I get tenure, my academic freedom will be protected!

So what do you think of that, Annoyed Librarian!

Sincerely,

Pleased as Punch

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Dear Pleased,

Why, oh why can't librarians just be happy to be librarians? Congratulations on your appointment to the tenure track. It must be very exciting for you. I'm glad it provides a boost to your self-esteem. I've heard of people who need such boosts, though I've never had a problem there myself. There are, however, some things you should be aware of.

Definitely keep telling yourself that you're a faculty member. You have faculty status, and nothing says "I'm really important to this university" like having faculty status. Just keep repeating "I'm a faculty member, too," and maybe someone will actually believe you.

As you will eventually realize, faculty status is divided between the teaching faculty and the non-teaching faculty (or whatever you happen to call it in your library). You can remember this distinction more easily by noting the division between real faculty and pseudo-faculty. You are pseudo-faculty.

As hard as it may be for you to believe, the real faculty will never accept you as real faculty. I don't accept you as real faculty, and I'm merely a lowly librarian. So you can imagine what the real faculty think of you. Try telling the professors of physics or economics or philosophy that you're a real professor, just like them!

You see, real professors have PhD's in relevant scholarly fields (I'm of course not counting the "professors" in education or social work or library science or anything like that). Often they actually had to work hard and study for years and learn a lot of stuff to earn that PhD. (Perhaps you also have a PhD, but probably not in librarianship, and if you do have a PhD in librarianship, you will be taken even less seriously.) You, on the other hand, managed to complete one of the least intellectually rigorous master's programs around, except of course for the M.Ed. and M.S.W. programs.

And real faculty are ideally engaged in research and teaching, in either increasing the knowledge in their field or in helping to pass it on to the younger generation or both. You're not engaged in any of that. You might think you're increasing the knowledge in your field, but yet another shoddily conducted case study of your chat reference pilot just doesn't cut it as serious research.

Most importantly, real faculty are on the academic calendar, which means they have their summers and holidays off, and in fact only have to show up to teach and attend committee meetings and hold office hours. They have a lot of autonomy and freedom. You, of course, are a regular 9-5 employee who might get a month's vacation and a "research" day once a week or so. Until you get tenure, you'll have to show up and actually seem to be working, just like the glorified office clerk the real faculty take you for. After you get tenure, you can stay home a lot more, but you'll still be considered a glorified office clerk.

But, you'll say, I have to publish! Just like the real faculty! Yes, that's true, you will have to publish. And you don't really have the time to do much research. And your most likely poor training in either social science or humanistic disciplines means that you won't be able to write anything worth reading. Your poor training and requirement to publish are, of course, what help to make the quality of library literature the poor mess that it is.

And I have tenure! Yes, if you're fortunate, you'll have tenure. And that's very important to protect your academic freedom. You need protection when you express your controversial views about introducing folksonomies into OPACs. This is radical stuff! No, of course you don't need to protect your academic freedom. But tenure is very important to protect your own job when you get so burnt out from doing such boring work that you decide to stop working when you're 45.

Thus, as far as I can tell, you have all of the burdens and none of the benefits of the real faculty. The only people who take the faculty status of librarians seriously are the librarians, and not even all of them.

Yours,

The Annoyed Librarian

Dear Annoyed Librarian #9: Resume Assistance!

Dear Annoyed Librarian,

You always have such thoughful and considerate advice on every aspect of a career in librarianship. This is why I worship you and want to buy you martinis from dusk until dawn. I just got my "prestigious" MLS, and now I'm looking for a job. I'd really like some help with the basics. How do I write a good resume? I know that's going to be important for getting a good job. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Aspiring Resume Writer

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Dear Aspiring,

Thank you for the kind words. If I'm ever in your part of the country, which seems unlikely, I'll allow you to buy me one martini. Okay, maybe two. But that's it. And if you're going to buy me martinis, that means you need a job, so here goes.

You came to the right, or perhaps I should say write, place for resume writing advice. (On second thought, perhaps I shouldn't say write. It sounds stupid.) The Annoyed Librarian wants to help all of you frustrated librarians out there who desparately want good jobs. The first step to a good job is a good resume.

And just what goes into a great resume? The most important parts of the resume are the paper and the layout. Everything else is of secondary importance. For example, be sure to have a strong, acid-free heavyweight paper in a nice pastel color--pink for the girls and blue for the boys. This lets your potential employer know at a glance both that you're serious about your paper and about whether you're a boy or a girl.

And the layout is equally important. It doesn't so much matter what the resume says--it's how the resume looks. So hire an expensive graphic artist to lay out your resume. It's worth it! No one will even bother to read a really good looking resume, just like nobody bothers to talk to a really good-looking man or woman. People just like to stare and admire the view. The only thing anyone will be looking at on your really good looking resume is your phone number to give you a call and offer you a job!

But, you ask, don't I have to have some content? Yes, something has to fill up the space allotted for text in your handsomely laid out resume, and you can't just put in that stupid Lorem Ipsum stuff. You should try to make the content as impressive as possible in case someone isn't blinded by the paper and the layout. The typical contenders are: Contact information, Education, Experience, and maybe some categories like Skills and Honors. Let's take these in order.

First, contact information. You might think this is simple. You live where you live, right? Wrong. In real estate, location is everything! If you live in Humptulips, Washington or Gun Barrel City, Texas no one is going to take you seriously.They may not even believe you. So you're going to have to change your contact information to something that sounds impressive. If you're applying for a public library job, try Manhattan or Chicago. If Academic, try Cambridge or New Haven. People have actually heard of those places.

Next, Education. Again, unless you have really impressive educational credentials, you need to spice it up a bit. If you went to college in a particular state, make sure you put that you went to the best college in that state. For example, maybe you went to Cal State Fresno. You don't want to put that. You want to put Stanford. Not the California University of Pennsylvania. Drop the California, and you have the University of Pennsylvania. Not Westfield State University. Harvard. You get the idea. No one is going to bother to check, so just make sure you know what cities they're located in and you'll be fine. So if someone asks how you liked living near Penn, don't say you think Pittsburgh is a lovely city. Not that you'd probably say that. If you went to college in a state with no good colleges, then you're just going to have to lie about it.

As for your genuine ALA-Accredited MLS: believe it or not, there does seem to be a pecking order. As bizarre as it may seem, there do seem to be schools considered better than others. They're all easy and intellectually slack, but some are definitely considered more slack than others. So perhaps you went to the University of South Florida, or the University of Southern Mississippi, or the University of Missouri. Unless you want to stay in those states, it's probably best not to mention it. You're usually safe if you stick to the Midwest. Say you went to Illinois, Indiana, or Michigan and you can't really go wrong.

Now, on to Experience. What you should put here really varies according to the sort of job you want. If you want to be the director of a one-librarian library in Elmo, Missouri, then it probably doesn't matter what sort of experience you have. If you've managed to complete some sort of degree and are willing to work for minimum wage, you're in! But once you move up the scale, you'll want the experience to match.

For example, big city library director. These jobs often pay top dollar. Even that one in Georgia paid $127K. But you don't get jobs like that if your experience consists of shelving books for a year and trouble shooting computers for six months. No, you need to say that you were an assistant director somewhere big, or perhaps a director somewhere small. Either one will probably do. Just make up a good sounding library and put it on the resume. My considered advice, though, is to make it somewhere far away. If you're applying for the NYPL, then say you worked at the LAPL, and vice versa. New York and Los Angeles are a long way apart and no one will ever know. If you're applying for a job in the South, just put down that you worked anywhere outside of the South. No one will check, because Southerners don't like to talk to Yankees.

Another example, you're an academic librarian who wants to work in a major research library. (In this case be sure to call it a curriculum vitae or vita instead of a resume. Curriculum vitae is Latin for "I'm a pretentious academic.") If you want to work at Berkeley, no one is going to take you seriously if you worked at the Pensacola Christian College. So say you were an AUL or something at Yale or Princeton or somewhere big on the East Coast. And if you want to work on the East Coast, then put down Berkeley or Stanford or someplace. (Unless you're applying at a big private university. If so, don't put Berkeley. Stick to other private universities.) And if you want to work in the Midwest, put down either coast and no one will check. Midwesterners don't like to talk to the coasts because coastal people refer to their home state as "flyover country." You can't use the Yankee defense, because there are no major research libraries in the South. Just add more stuff like this for the last three or four jobs, depending on what sort of qualifications you need for the current application.

We've covered the basics, and now for some other possible categories. Skills, for example. This really seems to vary. Some jobs want you do be familiar with lots of computer applications, some with lots of foreign languages, some with lots of library-specific duties. It's best just to put them all down under Skills and be done with it. If your prospective employer things you can reprogram their computers and supervise 87 professionals while cataloging metadata and speaking Danish and Swahili, so much the better for you.

As for Honors, anything that sounds really impressive will do. For example, if you were knighted by the UK for saving a member of the royal family from Irish terrorists, you'll want to put that down. If you weren't, put it anyway. Who'll know? Honorary degrees are good, too, provided you follow the same advice as in the Education section. Honorary degree from Harvard: Good. From The University of Texas of the Permian Basin in Odessa: Not so good. This might also be the place to acknowledge your many charitable duties. Perhaps you were cited by a charitable association for all the fundraising you did for some incurable disease. Then again, perhaps you weren't. Regardless, it looks good on the resume, so put it down.

And here you have the basics. If you follow my advice, your resume (or vita!) is going to look very impressive, indeed, and you're guaranteed an interview. With your wit and charm, you'll then probably get the job, and you'll have me to thank for it.

Yours,

The Annoyed Librarian

Dear Annoyed Librarian #8: On the Market and On the Move

Dear Annoyed Librarian,

I received my prestigious ALA-accredited MLS a little over a year ago. I've moved back home to Wyoming and have been working a part-time job in the local library. I've been looking all over Wyoming for a job, but just haven't been able to find one! I know there must be a great job for me in Wyoming, and I really don't want to leave. I'm from Wyoming. My family lives in Wyoming. My boyfriend lives in Wyoming. We're all very attached to the place and don't want to move. I'm writing you because I know you want new librarians to get good jobs. Do you have any advice for me?

Sincerely,

Settled in Wyoming

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Dear Settled,

You're obviously obsessed with Wyoming. Get over it. My advice to you would be to pack up your large bottom and move somewhere that has some library jobs! The Southwest seems like a booming place, why don't you try there. Take plenty of water with you, though, because it's all desert from what I hear.

Isn't Wyoming the least populated state in the nation? [Editor's note: according to the edition of the World Almanac I happen to have handy, it is.] Does it make any sense to move to the least populated state in the country and expect to find a job? No people, no jobs. It seems clear to me. What makes you think there would be any library jobs in Wyoming? Have you ever seen an ad for a library job Wyoming? I'm not even sure there are any libraries in Wyoming. They don't have any ALA-accredited library schools, that's for sure. Come to think of it, I'm not sure there's anything in Wyoming besides, I suppose, your family and other animals.

Of course I want new librarians to get good jobs, and I know decent entry level jobs are scarce. But really, girl, you've got to make some effort! You can't expect a good job to just come to you! So saddle your pony or pack your buggy or whatever it is you people in Wyoming do, and move your enormous bottom out of there.

Do you want a job or a career? If you just want a job, there are jobs in Wyoming. You can be a sales associate, a receptionist, or a delivery driver--all without leaving your home town! If you want to stay in the Cowboy State, you should become a cowboy! If you want to become a librarian, go to the Librarian State, wherever the heck that is.

If you want a career, then you're just going to have to move. You've heard of that whole "supply and demand" thing, right? The problem is you're supplying what nobody in Wyoming is demanding. I know the ALA has a problem figuring that out, but you've got to do better than them if you want a library job. If you insist on waiting for a good library job to come to you, I suggest you at least move to a more populous state with many more opportunities, like North Dakota.

Yours,

The Annoyed Librarian

Dear Annoyed Librarian #7: Library Literature!

Dear Annoyed Librarian,

I have a professional dilemma, and I'm seeking your advice.

Currently, I have two job offers: one from Dungheap College--a third-tier liberal arts college--and another from Dungheap State University--a third-tier state university. Dungheap State pays a bit more than Dungheap College, and the librarians there are unionized and so don't have to work very hard, but I'm a little worried about the tenure requirement, because it would mean publishing a lot of library literature, and that just seems daunting considering the high professional standards of librarians. What should I do?

Yours,

Perplexed in Dungheap

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Dear Perplexed,

You certainly seem to be skewered on the horns of a dilemma, and that's always painful, especially if you're not wearing the proper protective undergarments.

Both of those august institutions sound like fine places to work, so I can see where you'd feel uneasy about having to make a decision. But if you really want to work for Dungheap State, you'll have to learn how to write publishable library literature. Fortunately, this isn't as difficult as it sounds.

A good way to begin is to try reading some library literature. You'll probably find that most of it is virtually unreadable. Consider unreadability your first goal! Many causes contribute to unreadability, including unclear writing, inherently boring subject matter, poorly constructed "social scientific" survey instruments, and a tendency to use too many exclamation points. Consider all of these tools of unreadable writing as your friends! Much social scientific research spends lots of time and money trying to prove conclusively the truth of something that is obvious to any reasonably bright twelve year old. You won't have much time or money, so you may have to settle for proving inconclusively the possible truth of something that any reasonably bright twelve year old would realize is extremely unimportant.

The basic library article has a very simple format:

1) Choose a topic, preferable one that involves a project in your library that you could write about without having to leave the building or do any serious thinking. The best and easiest topics are "case studies." Especially exciting topics include: that chat reference pilot you've been working on, how you rearranged your bookstacks to make room for more computers, any poster displays you've put up in your library, how you "assessed" virtually anything you do in your library. All of these are terribly exciting, because you can just assume that all librarians will be extremely interested in what goes on in your library, because they know what an exciting and dynamic place your library must be.

2) Compose a survey! This is crucial. I really cannot stress the importance of this enough. The survey should ask tough questions like, "Do you like our library? If yes, check this box." Surveys really don't have to be much more complicated than that in the library world.

3) Distribute the survey. A lot of potential librarian authors forget this very important step, and thus don't have any results to write up for the exciting peer-reviewed library literature article. This step is even more crucial than step 2! Also, be sure to distribute this survey widely. Whatever you're measuring, you'll want to distribute AT LEAST a dozen surveys to properly find out how people feel about it.

4) Get the surveys back. This step is not as crucial as the previous two steps, because if you don't get the surveys back, you can always just speculate on what they would probably say if you did get them back.

Editor's note: To be truthful, neither steps 3 nor 4 are that important. The Annoyed Librarian once published a peer-reviewed library literature article analyzing the results of an online survey about a pilot service in her library; however, she forgot to publicize the survey. Solution: she took the survey herself 247 times in all sorts of different moods and states of intoxication (to insure fairness and balance), and then analyzed the results. Result: Another line on the vita! (The sad thing is, you won't really be able to tell if I'm kidding you).

5) Analyze the results. This is pretty easy to do, especially if you can get a student worker or someone less exalted than you (if that's possible) to enter the information in a spreadsheet. Sample analysis from a real library article I once read: 200 people used our pilot service. We surveyed 12 of them. 8 of the 12 responded. 6 of them liked the service. Thus, 75% of respondents thought the service worthwhile. (I am not pooping on you. This really was the analysis. If I can track it down again, it will be in my proposed "Library Lit that Sucks" series; so if you remember this article, send it on to me, and I'll make fun of the librarians who wrote it so you won't have to.)

6) Write a short introduction to your "data" explaining why anyone would care at all about your pathetic research. Ignore the fact that your sample size is insufficient to generate any conclusions. That never stopped a librarian! Sample explanation: This article is worth publishing because we need tenure. Our survey results are important because we surveyed people in our library. Thus, you can find out about how people like our library. This will be very useful to you should you ever actually work in our library and want to survey something.

If you really don't have time for any of the above, you might consider an "informal" survey, which would mean you'd ask a few people and then analyze the results. Try not to make it too personal. Avoid sentences such as, "My Uncle Cletus really liked that chat ref thing I explained to him."

Also, you could always try a "focus group." That way you don't need many respondents; you just need a couple of people to agree to be in a room with you for an hour. And you really need to focus, so expand your questionaire along the following lines: Do you like our library? Are you sure? Are you really sure? How much do you like our library? Would you like our library more if the librarians were witty and attractive? What do you think about my bottom? Is it too big? Do I have Librarian's Bottom?

There, that should get you started. As you can see, writing library literature is as easy as something that's very easy. Once you publish a few of these articles, the thrill of having your name in print may be such that you can never stop. (I get so thrilled with seeing the Annoyed Librarian in print that I pee my pants with excitement every time I read an Annoyed Librarian Cover Letter.) Your work will be as influential as other library literature, and you'll become a leader in the profession because of it! Don't get depressed over the almost certain fact that more people just read this Annoyed Librarian letter than will ever read your library literature, and that's not saying much!

Yours,

The Annoyed Librarian

Dear Annoyed Librarian #6: Librarian Rhetoric!

Dear Annoyed Librarian,

I'm a new librarian and I would like your advice. I just started my first "professional" job at the Clackamas County Public Library in Poop Creek, Oregon. The problem is, I can't understand what anyone's talking about! I paid no attention in library school, and now I'm starting to regret it. What do I need to know to understand librarians?

Signed,

Stumped in Poop Creek

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Dear Stumped,

It certainly does sound like you're up Poop Creek, but the Annoyed Librarian has just the paddle you need! Librarians are really very much like normal people, but they do have their own special subculture. Understanding this subculture is about the only reason anyone can possibly think of for going to library school, and you missed out even on that. This means you probably graduated at the bottom of your library school class, and that's quite a feat. I will write my response slowly, as I'm sure you can't read quickly.

So, here are a few morsels of wisdom--catch them as they fall from the lips of the Annoyed Librarian. To sound like a librarian:

1) Speak and write like ordinary people, but use a lot of exclamation points! That's what the Annoyed Librarian does when she wants to sound like a librarian!

2) You must use the right acronyms, even when they aren't really necessary. Never say "catalog" when you can say "OPAC"--or even better, OPAC!--even when the meaning is absolutely clear in context. Comment often about how MARC is out of date, and if they ask why, just roll your eyes and snort contemtuously. Some librarians talk a lot about BI. It has nothing to do with this. It means teaching people how to bibliograph.

3) Remember that librarians like "authority" and "control" and they especially like to combine the two. It does not mean that librarians are totalitarians (though some are), and it should definitely NOT call to mind an image of the Annoyed Librarian dressed like THIS (warning! Quasi-adult content! Do not click on this link at a public library terminal!) . They probably have something to do with the OPAC.

4) Always use the correct library jargon. Don't say "book." It's a "monograph." And never say magazine; you'll just sound like a rube. It's a "serial," or occasionally a "periodical" when you don't want to sound too pretentious or when you're complementing the periodicals librarian on the way her rack is displayed. And to show you're really hip to the jive, you can talk about "monographic series," thus combining two jargon terms. And be sure to say "Cutter number" a lot. Don't worry about what it means, just drop it into the conversation whenever you get the chance. Example: "She's sure got your Cutter number, baby!"

These quick tips should help you get through the day without seeming like the idiot you are. Most of the time, if you just have an enormous bottom, put your hair in a bun, and wear frumpy dresses, you won't even need to speak the language. Everyone will just assume you're a librarian and not question your apparent belief that "controlled vocabulary" means not swearing in front of the patrons. This advice especially applies if you're a man.

Yours,

The Annoyed Librarian

Dear Annoyed Librarian #5: PhDs in the Library

Dear Annoyed Librarian,

I have a PhD in English, but haven't been able to find a decent teaching job for several years. However, I heard that librarians are hard to come by, so I thought maybe I could get a job in a library. After all, I spent a lot of time in libraries when I was in grad school. And I have a PhD, so that means I'm obviously smarter than all those librarians who don't. I realize being a librarian isn't quite as prestigious as being a real professor, but maybe I could get one of those "subject specialist" jobs I heard about, where at least I wouldn't have to interact much with the students. I'm not sure what "reference" is, but I've bought a lot of books. I also used the MLA Bibliography on the computer a few times. What do you think I should do?

Signed,

Dr. Possible Librarian

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Dear Dr. Possible,

You sound like the sort of stellar "go-getter" we need in libraries these days, so by all means I think you should apply for all those "subject specialist" jobs you keep hearing about, and don't worry that you know absolutely nothing about librarianship. It's very simple stuff. If you can teach 10 courses of freshman comp. a year--which you've probably been doing to support yourself--then you can be a librarian. In fact, that's the major requirement for being a librarian, so be sure to mention it prominently in your cover letter.

Also mention that you've bought a lot of books. Most academic libraries these days just purchase whatever Amazon.com recommends based on their profile, so that's pretty easy, too. And I'm sure your doctoral work on whatever tiny subject you covered in your dissertation gave you ample experience with the international book trade and all of the traditional resources on literary scholarship. Heck, you probably know Wing and Wellesley and the YWES by heart. (If you don't know what those are, don't worry. Neither does anyone else!) The only thing that separates you from real librarians is the acronyms, so be sure to study up on them: OCLC, RLG, BI, MARC, NKVD, etc. Look 'em up!

And be sure to hold out for a great job your first time out, because after all, you've got a PhD! That's serious stuff. Don't take that job at a branch campus of Western Dungheap State University, even on the off chance it's offered. That's the sort of place you might have had to teach at, but you can expect better things as a librarian. Accept nothing less than a branch campus of the University of Dungheap itself!

In fact, I think you've made a very wise choice, and I think you'll be a very hot commodity indeed. Right now, you're just some academic loser who finished a PhD and then hung out on the margins of academic respectability for a few years teaching low-level courses for pocket change, some guy who has no marketable skills other than grading essays and selling plasma. People probably look upon you as some pathetic clod who just couldn't cut it as an English professor but was too stupid to realize what a loser he was. But that's not how we librarians would view you. No, in the field of librarianship, you'd be a god!

We need more like you!

Yours,

The Annoyed Librarian

Dear Annoyed Librarian #4: ALA-Accredited MLS!

Dear Annoyed Librarian,

I just earned my MLS from an ALA-accredited library school. Of course, I assumed before going that with genuine ALA-accreditation behind it this would be a tough program, rigorously preparing me for a challenging career as an information professional. Boy, was I wrong. Talk about easy! And now I'm wondering, just what do these schools have to do to call themselves library schools?

Signed,

Bored in Library School

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Dear Bored,

The Annoyed Librarian can certainly sympathize with your situation. She also had trouble staying awake during library school. She made the mistake of dozing off during a crucial half-hour of cataloging class, and so to this day still does not understand what exactly a "MARC record" is or what kind of machine one plays it on.

So on to accreditation standards. It apparently is very difficult to become a library school, as there are only around fifty in the North America. That there are so few explains why they are so highly competitive, and why a potential library school student must actually have a degree in something from some kind of college somewhere to be assured of acceptance. And at a few of the more highly ranked schools, the students must have scored at least a 400 on the GRE. Thus, you can already see that this puts the MLS above other such "advanced" degrees as the M.Ed.

For some inexplicable reason they tend not to be at the best private universities. Columbia and Chicago eventually shut their schools down as being something of an "intellectual embarassment." (Though since Columbia still has that teacher's college, one suspects that may not have been the real reason there.) Though there are of course a couple of library schools at excellent universities, such as the one the Annoyed Librarian attended.

According to the official guidelines listed on the ALA website, a school has to meet the following criteria to be an ALA-Accredited library school:

1) It has to call itself a school of "library science" or "information science" or studies or something similar. Alternate spellings such as "liberry" or "libary" are not allowed. No one is quite sure what library science really is, but information science, so I've been told, is like computer science, except for people who can't do the math. (There might be an exception to this rule however. Some place in Washington state calls itself the "Eye School." The Annoyed Librarian was under the impression that it was a school for optometrists or perhaps private detectives, but apparently it is also an accredited library school.)

2) The school actually has to notify the ALA that it is now calling itself a library school. That is the crucial step that some places inexcusably forget, which explains why sometimes fine programs such as that at East Carolina University go unaccredited. (Perhaps they forgot, though based upon my knowledge of geography, East Carolina could in fact be in the Atlantic Ocean, making communication more difficult.)

There. That exhausts the qualifications to become an accredited library school. It used to be a requirement that the library school also had things like classrooms and teachers, but the rise of distance "education," this standard was thought too elitist and so was dropped.

Now that you have obtained your MLS, you are as you know well on your way! According to the "ALA Resources for Prospective Graduate Students in Library and Information Studies" you are now prepared for an "exciting career in the information field" and may be able to obtain an exciting position as an indexer or a records manager! Please try to contain your excitement!

Yours,

The Annoyed Librarian

Dear Annoyed Librarian #3: Not Enough Librarians?

Dear Annoyed Librarian,

I have recently completed my MLS and I'm a bit annoyed myself. After a less than successful career doing some really low-paid work, I went back to library school after I heard there weren't enough librarians. After after a long search, I still can't find a decent professional job! What's should I do?

Signed,

Career Change Librarian

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Dear Career Change,

The Annoyed Librarian certainly feels your pain, or would if she hadn't just finished that fourth martini. It must be tough not being able to find a good library job. The Annoyed Librarian didn't have a good library job until almost three months before graduation from library school. The only way she could deal with the stress was to adopt more cats.

However, I'm not sure where you got the idea there aren't enough librarians. Librarians are a dime a dozen (literally, in some places). (Great librarians may be another matter, though, but that's beyond the scope of this column.) Anyway, as I understand economics (and I'll admit my study of economics is limited to doing a Google search on "futures trading" once), there's this thing called supply and demand. Perhaps you've heard of it, even if our betters at the ALA Recruitment Office have not.

So according to this law of "supply and demand," goods and services in short supply but high demand get more expensive. Thus, if there were a shortage of librarians, then their salaries would rise. Since this isn't happening, then there isn't a shortage of librarians. Q.E.D. It's so simple, even someone with a poor math background should be able to understand it.

Now to be fair, that nice Leslie Burger (Hi, Leslie!) does say that "There is and will continue to be a shortage of entry level librarians. The first wave of baby boomers are turning 60 this year! So there is hope for all of you waiting to step into their place." However, according to my informed sources, there aren't a lot of 60-year-olds working in entry level jobs, at least not as professional librarians. And some young librarians, so I've been told, don't want to wait until they're 60 to get a job.

My advice is for you to go back to whatever you were doing before you were wooed by the tempation of an exciting career as an information professional. That way, a shortage might actually be created, and my salary would rise accordingly. However, if you still persist in trying to enter this crazy business we call librarianship, I hear they're looking for librarians in California.

And if you still can't find a job? Then it could just be that your bottom's not big enough to become a librarian.

Yours,

The Annoyed Librarian

Dear Annoyed Librarian #2: Choices!

The following exchange should quell the criticisms of anyone who thinks librarians aren't in high demand. Because I do not wish to embarass the writer publicly, I have corrected the grammar and the spelling, except in cases of proper names that I thought might actually be spelled that way.

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Dear Annoyed Librarian,

I have just complete 16 months of rigorous education and vocational training at my highly prestigious library school. I completed "Libraries, Society, and You" with a solid A-, so I'm well aware of the value to society that I must have. I began my job search in earnest, and have been granted several interviews, all in highly desirable public libraries in lovely places such as Cut and Shoot, TX, Truth or Consequences, NM, and Toad Suck, AR. I.... [Email ends here.]

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Dear Anonymous Person,

I cannot tell at this point if you are trying to ask me a question, or just bragging. Also, you begin every sentence with "I." This is a stylistic tick that indicates you think yourself very important. You aren't.

Yours,

The Annoyed Librarian

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Dear Annoyed Librarian,

Sorry, I haven't quite got the hang of this email thing yet. But I'm learning! I do...I mean...There is a question that I...that should be asked by me of you. (I'm trying to work on not beginning those sentences with "I".)

The problem is that I can't decide between two different job offers. That's right, two job offers! And you think I'm not important!

The Cut and Shoot Pullic Liberry [sic] has offered me a starting salary of $19,500, which is quite a bit more than I made in my previous job rolling drunks. Now the Toad Suck Flea Libary [sic] is offering only $19,000, but, and here's the kicker, I'd get to take home any food left in the staff refrigerator for more than a week. However, I'd have to live in a town called "Toad Suck." What would you do if you were me?

Sincerely,
Torn Between Two Offers

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Dear Torn,

If I were you, I'd shoot myself.

However, considering my exceptional intelligence, extraordinary education, and immaculate breeding, I don't have to worry about being you, so I will try to answer your question. But first, I find it sad that you made so little rolling drunks. I paid my way through college rolling drunks, and it was an expensive college. I'd tell you which one, but you would only be jealous.

Take the Toad Suck offer, obviously. If you are able to make the refrigerator contents do for even four meals a week, that would save you at least $500 a year at a conservative estimate (assuming you eat mac & cheese or Ramen noodles for most meals), and probably much more, plus you would get the benefit of lording this privilege over the non-"professional," non-MLS proletarian staff who aren't as fortunate as you. Unless, that is, you are the only employee who uses the refrigerator or, as I suspect, there really isn't a refrigerator, and they're just trying to woo you with nonexistent perks. In which case, grab the money.

Good luck in your chosen profession.

Yours,

The Annoyed Librarian

Dear Annoyed Librarian #1: A Career?

Occasionally the Annoyed Librarian will get plaintive messages from my many readers seeking advice about the field of librarianship. Occasionally I will be answering such letters.

Dear Annoyed Librarian,

I'm currently a circulation clerk in a library, but I'm thinking of going to library school so I can exchange the drudgery of my current existence for the glamorous lifestyle of the real, bona fide librarians I see around me. Do you have any advice?

Signed,
Librarian Manque

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Dear Manque,

I do have some questions to ponder for anyone considering library school and eventually a career in librarianship.

1) Have you already failed at everything else in life first? (Considering you're currently a circulation clerk, and that you consider the lives of librarians relatively glamourous, I'll consider that a "yes.")

2) Do you have an enormous bottom? (This is not an absolutely necessary requirement, but satisfying it will help you blend in more in the workplace.)

3) Do you have a high capacity for boredom? (This may not be necessary for some actual librarian jobs, but it certainly helps in library school, which is like graduate school, but a lot easier...if you can stand the boredom.)

4) Are you willing to work for low wages doing tedious chores with little hope for career advancement?

5) Do you think the most fun to be had from life comes from grabbing every spare pen, poster, tote bag, bookmark, and sparkly giveaway object in sight at ALA?

If you answered "yes" to these five questions, I think you will have a happy and satisfying career in the field of librarianship. Best of luck to you in your future endeavors.

Yours,
The Annoyed Librarian