Friday, May 19, 2006

Dear Annoyed Librarian #2: Choices!

The following exchange should quell the criticisms of anyone who thinks librarians aren't in high demand. Because I do not wish to embarass the writer publicly, I have corrected the grammar and the spelling, except in cases of proper names that I thought might actually be spelled that way.

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Dear Annoyed Librarian,

I have just complete 16 months of rigorous education and vocational training at my highly prestigious library school. I completed "Libraries, Society, and You" with a solid A-, so I'm well aware of the value to society that I must have. I began my job search in earnest, and have been granted several interviews, all in highly desirable public libraries in lovely places such as Cut and Shoot, TX, Truth or Consequences, NM, and Toad Suck, AR. I.... [Email ends here.]

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Dear Anonymous Person,

I cannot tell at this point if you are trying to ask me a question, or just bragging. Also, you begin every sentence with "I." This is a stylistic tick that indicates you think yourself very important. You aren't.

Yours,

The Annoyed Librarian

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Dear Annoyed Librarian,

Sorry, I haven't quite got the hang of this email thing yet. But I'm learning! I do...I mean...There is a question that I...that should be asked by me of you. (I'm trying to work on not beginning those sentences with "I".)

The problem is that I can't decide between two different job offers. That's right, two job offers! And you think I'm not important!

The Cut and Shoot Pullic Liberry [sic] has offered me a starting salary of $19,500, which is quite a bit more than I made in my previous job rolling drunks. Now the Toad Suck Flea Libary [sic] is offering only $19,000, but, and here's the kicker, I'd get to take home any food left in the staff refrigerator for more than a week. However, I'd have to live in a town called "Toad Suck." What would you do if you were me?

Sincerely,
Torn Between Two Offers

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Dear Torn,

If I were you, I'd shoot myself.

However, considering my exceptional intelligence, extraordinary education, and immaculate breeding, I don't have to worry about being you, so I will try to answer your question. But first, I find it sad that you made so little rolling drunks. I paid my way through college rolling drunks, and it was an expensive college. I'd tell you which one, but you would only be jealous.

Take the Toad Suck offer, obviously. If you are able to make the refrigerator contents do for even four meals a week, that would save you at least $500 a year at a conservative estimate (assuming you eat mac & cheese or Ramen noodles for most meals), and probably much more, plus you would get the benefit of lording this privilege over the non-"professional," non-MLS proletarian staff who aren't as fortunate as you. Unless, that is, you are the only employee who uses the refrigerator or, as I suspect, there really isn't a refrigerator, and they're just trying to woo you with nonexistent perks. In which case, grab the money.

Good luck in your chosen profession.

Yours,

The Annoyed Librarian

1 comment:

Chanielce said...

Greetings from the other side of the globe!!!
I winded up in your blog out of random blog jumping and here I am.
Annoyed Librarian...(makes me think of a librarian in a violent disposition or someone that may launch a ballistic missile at a drop of the hat) you shouldn't have stoop down to her/his level.Its obvious, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that she/he is bragging about how omnipotent she/he is. Hunt him/her and pelt him/her with your books.Tell your cats to sharpened their claws at his/her skin...wait, this is just a suggestion and don't take it seriously.Wrinkles and crease...mind you, it might add to your wrinkles.
Sayonara!!!