Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Annoyed Librarian Reference Statistics

I know a large percentage of my readers are reference librarians. I estimate that at least three of my five readers do some sort of reference work. And if you work in reference, you know what the most important thing about that work is. That's right, keeping statistics. We need a tick mark for everything, so that we can really tell how we are spending our time. Keeping reference statistics is about the most important thing reference librarians do, and because of its importance I thought I'd share with you the latest statistics form we are developing for the reference desk of the Flea Libary. We almost forgot to put "reference" as a category because we get so few questions, but fortunately our Massage Librarian Big Leela remembered at the last moment. Suggestions for revision will be accepted.

Flea Library Reference Statistics Form
  • Real Reference Question
  • Showed Patron How to Search Catalog
  • Gave Up and Searched Catalog Myself
  • Showed Patron How to Search Database
  • Gave Up and Searched Database Myself
  • Showed Patron How to Print
  • Changed Printer Paper
  • Changed Printer Toner
  • Cleared Printer Jam
  • Printer Still Didn't Work
  • Database Didn't Work
  • Handed Out Stapler
  • Handed Out Paperclip (one check per clip)
  • Handed Out Pencil
  • Handed Out Scratch Paper
  • Handed out Kleenex
  • Database Still Not Working
  • Avoided Revealing Conversation with Psychopath
  • Did Not Avoid Revealing Conversation with Psychopath
  • Gave Loud Cell Phone User Dirty Look
  • Told Kids to Shut Up or I'd Shut them Up
  • Taught Patron How to Access Own Email
  • Taught Patron to Access Internet Porn
  • Pointed Way to Restrooms, Just Below Sign that Says "Restrooms"
  • Asked Patron if Help Needed Wiping Own Behind Because So Helpless


Anonymous said...

You forgot:

When does the library close?

What books are there 'in stock'? (my personal favorite, the library as general store)

Avoided patron wanting to buy a book.
Took money from patron wanting to buy a book.

Dances With Books said...

For academic libraries:

*Do you have the textbook for my class?

*What do you mean you don't carry textbooks?

*Did you find . . .(insert lost object here)? (ok, this goes for any library. In our case, lost flash drives are a popular lost item).

*(Prominent prima donna faculty member): What do you mean you won't do my research for me?

*(New not so prominent prima donna faculty member) But they used to have (insert name of fancy 100K a year resource) back in (insert name of Fancy Upper Echelon University nowhere comparable to Rinky Dink Metro U), what do you mean I can't get it here?

And I am sure I can think of others as the day goes by.

Taupey, the Bush Kangaroo said...

Teaching patrons to access "porn" violates their privacy rights! You have to teach them to access *information* in an entirely non-judgmental way. It's a CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT.

And I have a theme song for you:

[Notorious B.I.G. -BOTTOM]
To all the ladies in the place with style and grace
Allow me to lace these lyrical tracks in your bookstacks
Who rock grooves and make moves with all the MLS’s?
The back of the dark room, surfin’ porn, is where you'll find me
The back of the room, trollin’ MySpace, your big behind behind me
Mad question askin, password passin, music blastin
But I just can't quit
Because one of these hunnies I gots ta creep with
Sleep with, keep the website a secret why not
Why blow up a MySpace spot cause we both got caught
Now check it, I got my rights says the ACLU
Believe me sweetie, gov’ment got enough to feed you
No need to be greedy I got mad friends with lawsuits
C-notes by the layers, true lawyer players
Jump in the Rover and come over
tell your ALA friends jump in the GS3, I got the 1st Amendment by me

[Chorus by The Notorious B.I.G. BOTTOM]
(I love it when you call me Big Lee-la)
Throw your hands in the air, if youse a true pay-tron
(I love it when you call me Big Lee-la)
To the hunnies getting’ money playin Library Boards like dummies
(I love it when you call me Big Lee-la)
If you got a staplegun up on your waist please don't shoot up the place
Cause I see some ladies on thai-bride.com tonight who should be havin my baby

Bob H. said...

My favorite, 'Do you work here?'

...hmm, what is it about my name tag, library ID, lanyard with the libraries name on it, suit and tie, sitting behind a big desk that says "Ask a Librarian" that leads you to believe that I work here?

Zillah said...

Taupey, I love you. Too bad you have eyes only for the A.L. All that and rappin' too.