Dear Sirs or Madams or Whomevers It May Concern,
I am writing to apply for the "Librarian with MLS degree or 36 completed credits" job I saw posted here. That sounds like a very challenging and exciting job. I assume it's very challenging and you're withholding all details so you don't frighten any one away from it. Well, you can't scare me, Miss Missy! I'm ready to work!
Also , it must be an exciting job, or you wouldn't use so many exclamation points in your advertisement. After all, if you weren't genuinely excited, you would end your banal sentences with periods like they do in the rest of the civilized world. I feel I am very well qualified for this exciting position, as I am indeed a "librarian with MLS degree or 36 completed credits."
You ask: "Want to start your librarian career within a week? It's possible!" To which I can only respond: Yes I do!! In fact, I would prefer to begin this afternoon and get that paperwork stuff out of the way before the weekend. I'm in Santa Clarita right now. Can I just come over to your office and get started?
You recommend that I "Consider working on contract or contract to hire!" Well, okay! I have considered it, and I think "working on contract or contract to hire" sounds like it would be a lot of fun. It would probably mean accepting low pay, uncertain work, and tedious conditions, but I assume that the poor benefits would make up for that.
No, I'm sorry, I see that you say that "Benefits available on first day of work!" What might those benefits be? Heath care? Or do I just get to eat the leftovers in the staff fridge at the end of the week? No that it matters! Don't think I'm being too picky and go with one of the other numerous highly qualified librarians in your candidate pool!
Your advertisement specifies that I "must be able to present [my] MLIS diploma or transcripts showing completion of 36 units toward [my] MLIS degree, and be able to pass criminal background check." Wow, you guys are sure strict. Usually when I submit a resume, people just believe me that I have an MLS. After all, if one were going to lie about having a degree, the MLS seems like an unlikely choice. However, fortunately for me and for you, because of my great pride in my educational accomplishment I always keep a framed copy of my diploma in my purse and I can show it to you at any time.
Regarding the criminal background check, I have only one question--how far back does it go? I'm just curious, so don't get alarmed! My criminal background record is completely clean, but if the check only goes back 10 years or so I'll feel a lot better about it. Unless of course "pass criminal background check" means I need a criminal background to get the job. (In which case, let's talk.)
Since you do not mention any specific library or any specific experience required for the job, I assume either that there isn't really a job, or that the job has no actual duties. I would definitely prefer the latter.
You can be sure I will be emailing you my resume post-haste. I look forward to possibly working at this potential job that may or may not have any duties.
The Annoyed Librarian