Dear Bloomsbelly Temporary Libary Search Committee Person(s),
I have a dream! And I want to share it with you. (No, not the one about the Brad Pitt and the whipped cream.) My dream is to work at the Harvey Andruss Libary in Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania. I can't imagine a more lovely and exciting place to work than Bloomsbarg University. I guess pretty much everyone must feel that way. That must be why you have to ration off your great jobs like that. If you hired everyone who desparately wanted to work at the Bloomfield Universaly Libary, you'd probably have standing room only there, wouldn't you? And when I saw your advertisement on "Library Jobs That Suck," I wet my pants in excitement. (I'll change before the interview.)
Thus, I am, with great excitement and enthusiasm, applying to join your "pool of qualified librarians." I cannot possibly express to you how interested I am in have my "name on file to be considered as vacancies are created by emergency situations or temporary openings." Is an emergency situation different from just an emergency? What sort of emergencies do you usually have? Am I supposed to step in when the librarians have heart attacks? Or do the librarians sometimes get attacked by people and are thus unable to complete their exciting librarian duties? My bottom got wedged too tight in a Barcalounger once and I had to have bottom surgery. Is that the kind of thing that happens to your staff as well? Are you expecting any emergency situations or any temporary openings? Do you think it would be okay if I tried to create some? Am I asking too many questions? Does that bother you? If it does, should I care?
I'm willing to wait around as long as it takes, because I'm sure nothing could be more exciting and personally fulfilling than temporarily working in Reference, Cataloging, Government Documents, or Access Services at the Harvey Andruss Libary. And I'm certainly pleased that you are creating a job "pool," rather than actually hiring someone at a decent salary with benefits. It sure is thoughtful of you wonderful folks at the Bloomsbark Collage Libary to be so considerate towards excitable people like me. If I got to work at the Bloomsbilge Liberry full-time, I might get so excited I'd have to pass out! And benefits? You wouldn't want to spoil me, would you?
I'll admit it, though, I was a little frightened when I read the qualifications. I have my ALA-Accredited MLS, of course. Who doesn't? But when I found out that I needed a demonstrated ability to work with diverse populations, I got a little nervous. How diverse? How could I demonstrate that ability? Do you have a test or something I could take? I'm pretty good at fill-in-the-blank, but I don't do so well on those essay exams. And I really don't like the ones where I have to act like a car or something. And then I'd also have to communicate well? Aren't you raising the bar a bit high here? Would I really have to communicate well, or only as well as you? I speak well enough when I'm sober, but I've got a slight drooling problem and this lazy eye. You're not going to hold that against me, are you? I'm just glad I don't have to be "enthusiastic"!
You say I'd have to sucessfully complete an interview process? Is the interview process different from the actual interview? Do you get a lot of people not completing it? Do they get so worked up at the possiblity of temporarily potentially working at the Bloomsbelch Lavatory that they pass out or something? It must be really grueling if you're expecting people not to complete it. Are there calisthenics involved? I wouldn't have to do any jumping jacks, would I? I can do them, but I get terrified at the way the floor shakes.
Please, please, please keep my name on file! I'm willing to move across the country just for the possible chance of working there! I'm willing to wait around Bloomsberg and hang out in your "pool" for as long as it takes! I'll bring my bikini.
The Annoyed Librarian