From the press release:
The Annoyed Librarian Flea Libary, possibly the nation's most prestigious and exciting constantly changing "Library Five-O" library, announces yet another new "customer service" concept: Library Spa 2.0.
"What we wanted to do," says ALFL Director Annoyed Librarian, "is create an environment that was so enjoyable, so pleasurable, that people would keep wanting to come back.
"We've heard a lot about providing coffee, or comfy chairs, or fetching books for people, or chatting with them through IM, but now we're going to have something completely new and revolutionary.
"When you come into a "Library Spa 2.0" library, you are automatically treated like a minor deity. Librarians and library staff always talk in private about how much they worship the publics they serve, but now we're going to show it!
"When you enter, you will immediately be escorted to you own private patron pod, where you will be given a full-body massage by our Massage Librarian--Big Leela. While you're getting your shoulders mauled and your tushie pounded by Big Leela, another professional librarian will kindly fetch any library materials you may need. Merely tell the Fetching Librarian your desiderata and she will fetch it, whether it's the latest best-seller by Patricia Cornball or "that big green book I was looking at last time."
"If you want to surf the Internet for porn or business news or whatever it is you like, the Laptop Librarian will bring the ALFL laptop and hold it under your face while you are getting your massage.
"In a couple of weeks we'll be adding facials, manicures, and high colonics. We expect our user statistics to soar!
"Our most frequent reference question is always 'Where's the restroom?' Well, no more hunting for the restroom for ALFL 'customers.' In case 'nature calls' while you're getting your massage and you don't feel like moving, we provide plenty of bedpans, and we don't mind emptying them.
"Some naysayers have questioned our ability to add all these new services. Won't they cost a lot, they ask? Well sure, but we think you're worth it! And if we run out of money, we'll just raise your taxes!
"We don't have any dignity here at the ALFL. We'll do whatever it takes to make you come back and treat us like dirt! That's because at the ALFL, 'we love you even more than your mama does!'"®